Trust Fall…

This is basically a small novel and back story to how this path found me…

At some point in our childhood we all did a trust fall. Whether it was a guided activity in PE class, where you truly had no idea what the peer behind you would choose to do or into the arms of someone you trusted that had your best in mind. Even then, there’s a moment of hesitancy where you beg the question, will they actually catch me or let me fall? I have had a few significant and life defining trust falls throughout my life. They were the moments that I actually went against my self-protective instincts, moved directly into my fear of discomfort and they forged the faith I have and the person I am today.

But here’s the thing - they never get easier. I have been provided for and cared for, over and over again, and yet there’s always that hesitation, that moment when I wonder: but this time, this time will He actually catch me or let me fall?

This is one of those moments. It’s time for another trust fall. After learning and studying for the last several years. After going through so much personal work, healing and painful uprooting of my own false beliefs and shame. After facing my instincts that I thought were protecting me but were slowly hollowing me out, I felt God calling me back into a season of unknown and trusting His guidance forward when I could not see the path ahead. He started gently warning me, over 2 years ago. When I was quiet or in prayer, I could hear these thoughts that weren’t from me - “I’m going to call you out again. It’s going to be painful and uncomfortable but I’m bringing you back to your heart and your passion. It’s time to stop hiding.”

I tried to push it away and ignore it at first. And then I tried to control it by giving up some yet holding onto the places that I didn’t want to face or have exposed. I have realized over the last few years that comfort has become a significant idol in my life. I have always thought of myself as a peacemaker but that requires discomfort and moving into conflict at times. What I was doing was peacekeeping, aiming to keep discomfort and conflict at bay. This was exhausting. By clinging so hard to my own desire for comfort, I had never been more uncomfortable in my life because I was closing my fists to any other possibilities. I wanted to stay in what I knew and be unaffected by the world around me. So the outcome of that was disengagement to those I love most or an explosive temper because trying to maintain the peace in my own strength meant there was no peace to be found. I had to control, manipulate and hustle for my own peace. It was exhausting and I felt pressed in on all sides.

I was first introduced to the personality system of the Enneagram by my father n law. Back in 2018, before we got together for Thanksgiving he sent a link to us all to take this online test for fun, to see where we fell on the system and the number we scored highest in. I took the test and was centered between two different numbers. I read a quick description of both and that was about it. I didn’t revisit it until about 6 months later when my sister in law recommended a book to me, saying it was a really great overview and helpful for her. I’m always up for a great book recommendation so I decided to give it a listen. It was called The Road back to You. As I listened to the book I thought it was fascinating and very insightful. I could see characteristics of loved ones throughout the descriptions and honestly, I didn’t think it would be very impactful for me because I had already done so much emotional work over the years. But it gave me practical information on how to better encourage and connect with friends and family. Then I got to the chapter on The Peacemaker, the 9 lens. As I listened to his description of the inner world of the 9’s - the struggles, the core desires, the fears, the relational habits, the message we long to hear - I was cracked open. I had tears running down my face because in that moment, I felt seen and understood. It was as if he had looked into my inner thoughts and was sharing them with the world. It was comforting and exposing all at the same time. He gave language to the cycle of struggles that had always been with me and connected them to their core. From there, I started reading, studying, listening to podcasts and absorbing as much information as I could. I have always been fascinated by human behavior, why we do what we do. This became a relational manual, helping me to understand how different our lenses are and the things that I used to get frustrated or annoyed about, now made sense. I could understand the core motivation driving that outward behavior, which inevitably led to more empathy and compassion.

In the fall of 2019, I was really struggling with anxiety. It wasn’t even based on rational concerns but it seemed to be a constant hum in the background. I had to work really hard on my tools for dealing with this anxiety so that I could function and care for my family. In January 2020, I decided to gift myself and work with an online enneagram coach, Beth McCord. With her guidance, I was able to dive deeper into my 9 lens and learn about all the aspects to help me step into my unique growth path and to dismantle the shame and beliefs that kept me tangled up in the same, habitual cycles I had been repeating for years. I have always worked hard on my emotional health - building tools, processing and gaining a deeper understanding into my own self-awareness. I also have an intimate trust relationship with Jesus and He has brought so much health and healing into my adult life. But learning more about my inner world, giving language to why I think, act and feel the way I do within my relationship with God was truly transformational. I have always struggled a lot with comparison and I was so focused on my shortcomings, usually comparing them with another’s strength. But the gift of studying the enneagram was that I felt freedom to step into my gifts and appreciate the facet of God’s character that I was wired to reflect out into the world. Suddenly being trapped in the cycle of comparison didn’t even make sense anymore. Why would I compare my gifting to that of another? I can grow in those areas but I was wired for a completely different purpose than they were. I also finally found the root cause of my anger, something I had experienced deep shame about since becoming a mom. We live in a chaotic world, one where we will have tension, conflict and discomfort. I have looked to myself, to my circumstances and to others to bring or maintain my peace. And when those things failed and I was pushed to the edge, I erupted. Becoming a mom exposed this to a much deeper degree because raising children is usually not a peaceful process and I couldn’t escape the chaos when it was like a tornado in my own home. Learning more intimately about my inner world allowed me to be seen and it has given me more compassion and grace towards myself and others. It helped me see the broken parts that I was trying to fix myself but I needed to embrace and surrender over to Jesus. I needed to have those false narratives, the shame, the struggle exposed so that I could let Him bring healing and true peace. I no longer operate from a place of shame. I feel free - I am seen and loved and cared for. I no longer have to manipulate, control or hustle for my needs to be met. I can entrust those needs into God’s hands and then I can love and encourage others from a place of overflow. He has become the peace I seek (although everyday is still a practice and work in progress!).

In June of 2020, the discomfort of life had reached a climax. We had all this time to be still at home during the beginning of covid and like many people, that led to a lot of questioning and deep self-reflection. I thought about where we were in life and all the mounting frustrations. It felt like life was just a constant wave crashing on us, pulling us out to sea and then dragging us back to shore. I felt helpless and out of control. The level of discomfort I was feeling brought me to a place of not only surrender but of action. True surrender usually leads to different action. Discomfort brought me to a place where I was willing to take the next step because it had to be better than our current reality. After thinking about it for months, praying about it, seeking out counsel, etc, I decided to sign up for an online certification course. I decided I was ready to shift my life path, even if I had no idea what that would actually look like. I have always loved to teach, encourage and connect. I’ve been able to experience deep friendship and connection in my life and it brings me joy to be there for others, to step into the hard with them and point them back to hope, to Christ and to remind them that they are loved and seen. And that nothing we encounter is wasted if we bring it to Him to redeem. After going through the coaching process myself, I thought about the amazing gift of someone walking through that process with me and the freedom and transformation that was on the other side of it. So, I decided that was my next step; this was the direction God was leading me into and now, over a year later (this was written in 2021) I am officially a certified enneagram coach through Your Enneagram Coach Network. Which practically speaking is a certified life coach using the enneagram as a tool to customize the journey for each of my clients. What I didn’t realize is that through the process of being trained as a coach, it would require even MORE coaching for me, so much more! This process of becoming a certified enneagram coach has been truly life changing. So much has been uprooted, including core beliefs and false narratives I wasn’t even aware I held. I have had to learn how to recognize my survival instincts and go against them when they are harmful and not protective (which has required lots of prayer and reflection for discernment). But through this journey, God has brought me back to His heart and my true heart, which is all about connection. I am so excited about this new adventure. I can’t wait to journey alongside those that He will bring along my path. It is a sacred calling to walk alongside people in this way and it’s a privilege to create a space where they can move deeper into their own purpose-filled journey.

After this very hard season for all of us (2020-2021), where we have been isolated and experienced worldwide trauma along with our own personal trauma, I desire nothing more than to act as a bridge to help us find a way back to ourselves, to each other and to our Creator. My role is to help those I work with discover who they were meant to be and help untangle the false things that they have possibly relied on to get their needs met that may no longer be effective at best and may be harming themselves and others at worst. When I taught women to make jewelry many years ago, it wasn’t about the product or end result. It was about unlocking and tapping into a talent and creativity they didn’t even know they had. The enneagram can be a great tool to help us unlock our blueprint, showing us gifts and strengths that we didn’t even know we had or we never saw in a positive light. It’s about unlocking who God created us to be so we no longer have to control, manipulate or hustle to get our needs met because He meets us in those deep places to free us up so we can walk the path He purposed and designed for us. When God actually meets us in our needs, striving can cease. We can thank the strategies that helped us survive through the many seasons of life and then peacefully decide to forge a new path. We don’t have to stay stuck and we don’t have to journey alone. We can make the decision, in grace, to break out and come fully alive. This is the invitation - to now live like who you are. But first you have to create a space to figure out who you are meant to be. In this training process to become a coach, I heard many times - you go first! And now it’s my turn to invite you to explore the trust fall in your own life that may lead to more freedom, joy and relational abundance than you ever imagined possible. Take my hand, we’ll jump in together.

“Put on your new nature and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become more like Him.”

-Colossians 3:10

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

-John 16:33

“We were born to try, to see each other through. To know and love ourselves and others well, is the most difficult and meaningful work we’ll ever do…”

-Sleeping at Last “Nine”